I am sorry.
I am sooo sorry. I don't share that much. I don’t have many
any close friends apart from family. I keep people at a distance, even
people that I know care for me. I am trying to change this. I need
to foster some friendships. Mostly because my best friend may really
leave me. Best friend meaning my ex.
We have maintained an
on/off/on relationship in the three years’ separation prior to our divorce in
December. I was the one that was
on/off/on/off while I explored other relationships and went back to him over and over again. Now he wants to do the same, and leave me behind.
I shouldn’t be surprised, I shouldn’t
be upset, I shouldn’t even be jealous.
I did the same thing to him time and time again. It is amazing how a spark of
jealousy (or in my case raging
jealousy) can make you see things you should’ve seen all along. And, open eyes see so many things, so I
have learned a thing or two. Some
really hard, shitty, humbling lessons.
I feel like I am dying in the meantime. I have been fighting some sort
of depression since October, and this has sent me over the edge. I keep crying. I feel like my insides are
quivering. My hands shake. I am trying really hard to keep from
falling apart, but I don’t think I am doing a good job of it. The meds worked a little, before I had a
reaction to them. Need to
call doc and get something different.
I am going to need them. I
have to stop this. I am so weak, I
am so tired. I hate medication,
but I am so scared.
So why am I writing this? Really, for me.
To get it out. I need some
accountability, even if it is to just myself. I am going to write what I have learned, so that
I can remember. I need to remember
this feeling, I need to remember what to do, because depression sucks, and it
rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I want to be ready to fight it next
time, cause right now it is whipping my a**.
Gotta keep working on it, starting next time with some of
the crap I have learned.
No comments:
Post a Comment