OK, so....

I am struggling.  I am working my best Bey, but I feel so inadequate right now in the love department.  In the mental health department really.  I have been felled by this love shit, and really, shouldn't I be past this at 42?  Am I gonna be this way at 62?  82?  92? (The women of my family have good genes, so that is totally a possibility...  Shout out to G'ma, who just celebrated her 92nd birthday!)
I sought help at end of last year, and started some anti-depression and sleeping medication on the first of the year.  I hate medicine, but I also hate this fog I am living in, so something's got to give.  Felt like it was kind of working, but maybe not as I got in the worst fight of my life with my ex the other day.  It was bad, really bad...  And somehow I don't feel all that sorry.  I am sorry for some parts, but overall, not really...  What is that all about?

Anywho, the crap (drugs) made me break out, so now I am rocking the Benadryl.  Jeez, back to square one.

In the grand scheme of things, these are little soap opera problems.  But it feels heavy, and the feelings keeps coming at me like waves on the beach.  Nothing even as dramatic as "waves crashing upon the rocky shore...", just little waves that make you stumble a bit and have to readjust your feet in the not so steady sand you are standing in...  So I am adjusting, hoping a little extra sand builds up around my feet so that I am ready for the next wave, and hoping not too much sand ends up in my nether regions....  Ewwww.....

This all makes me think of a favorite song of mine, with some great lyrics
one lyric I love:

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
Pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

and the other I love:

here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrow talk

Here, hear for yourself...

(Here, hear, hehehehe)

Hope it works...

And, of course while I was waiting to see if the video would upload, this song came on the ipod:

Sang it ya'll, love will put you through some stinkin' chaaaaannnngggeeesss...

Shoot (trying not to curse), Is this my life's soundtrack instead of a blog?  Alot of times I have to not listen to regular radio and my Ipod because the songs make the aforementioned wave come on a little too strong...  Must be why I listen to alot of house music and mostly listen to NPR in the car...  Shout out to WAMU !!

I'm working on it.