#100 HappyDays

These are not so happy morning faces...  But these two truly make me happy!  The fact that they wake up everyday make me grateful. They are truly cool kids, must be their mom...

What's really goin on...

I am sorry.  I am sooo sorry.  I don't share that much.  I don’t have many any close friends apart from family.  I keep people at a distance, even people that I know care for me.  I am trying to change this.  I need to foster some friendships.  Mostly because my best friend may really leave me.  Best friend meaning my ex.  

We have maintained an on/off/on relationship in the three years’ separation prior to our divorce in December.  I was the one that was on/off/on/off while I explored other relationships and went back to him over and over again.  Now he wants to do the same, and leave me behind. 

  

I shouldn’t be surprised, I shouldn’t be upset, I shouldn’t even be jealous.  I did the same thing to him time and time again.  It is amazing how a spark of jealousy  (or in my case raging jealousy) can make you see things you should’ve seen all along.  And, open eyes see so many things, so I have learned a thing or two.  Some really hard, shitty, humbling lessons. 

I feel like I am dying in the meantime. I have been fighting some sort of depression since October, and this has sent me over the edge.  I keep crying.  I feel like my insides are quivering.  My hands shake.  I am trying really hard to keep from falling apart, but I don’t think I am doing a good job of it.  The meds worked a little, before I had a reaction to them.   Need to call doc and get something different.  I am going to need them.  I have to stop this.  I am so weak, I am so tired.  I hate medication, but I am so scared. 

So why am I writing this?  Really, for me.  To get it out.  I need some accountability, even if it is to just myself.    I am going to write what I have learned, so that I can remember.  I need to remember this feeling, I need to remember what to do, because depression sucks, and it rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I want to be ready to fight it next time, cause right now it is whipping my a**.   

Gotta keep working on it, starting next time with some of the crap I have learned.

OK, so....

I am struggling.  I am working my best Bey, but I feel so inadequate right now in the love department.  In the mental health department really.  I have been felled by this love shit, and really, shouldn't I be past this at 42?  Am I gonna be this way at 62?  82?  92? (The women of my family have good genes, so that is totally a possibility...  Shout out to G'ma, who just celebrated her 92nd birthday!)
I sought help at end of last year, and started some anti-depression and sleeping medication on the first of the year.  I hate medicine, but I also hate this fog I am living in, so something's got to give.  Felt like it was kind of working, but maybe not as I got in the worst fight of my life with my ex the other day.  It was bad, really bad...  And somehow I don't feel all that sorry.  I am sorry for some parts, but overall, not really...  What is that all about?

Anywho, the crap (drugs) made me break out, so now I am rocking the Benadryl.  Jeez, back to square one.

In the grand scheme of things, these are little soap opera problems.  But it feels heavy, and the feelings keeps coming at me like waves on the beach.  Nothing even as dramatic as "waves crashing upon the rocky shore...", just little waves that make you stumble a bit and have to readjust your feet in the not so steady sand you are standing in...  So I am adjusting, hoping a little extra sand builds up around my feet so that I am ready for the next wave, and hoping not too much sand ends up in my nether regions....  Ewwww.....

This all makes me think of a favorite song of mine, with some great lyrics
one lyric I love:

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
Pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

and the other I love:

here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrow talk

Here, hear for yourself...

(Here, hear, hehehehe)

Hope it works...

And, of course while I was waiting to see if the video would upload, this song came on the ipod:

Sang it ya'll, love will put you through some stinkin' chaaaaannnngggeeesss...

Shoot (trying not to curse), Is this my life's soundtrack instead of a blog?  Alot of times I have to not listen to regular radio and my Ipod because the songs make the aforementioned wave come on a little too strong...  Must be why I listen to alot of house music and mostly listen to NPR in the car...  Shout out to WAMU !!

I'm working on it.

Bey and Me...

Workin’ On Some Thangs…

January 13, 2014

I wonder what is gonna happen with this. I am not one to follow through once I grow bored with things.  That being said…

Hi, I am Ramona.  I am working on some things.  I am a grateful mom of two beautiful daughters.  I am a great mom.  Not perfect by any means, but I love them and do what I can.  I am proud to say that I like my kids too.  They are really cool peeps…  I am an ex-wife to a wonderful guy, and proud to say that we are partners even after all that has happened.  We love each other and we love our kids.

Sooo, today I was surfing the web and came across a post about Beyonce’s makeup in a video. (http://www.kisforkinky.com/beyonce-no-angel-lipstick/)  I got on a Bey kick for a sec, even though I am not a cray cray Beyonce fan.  My nephew on the other hand…  Anywho, I checked out a video for the song “Partition” and she looks f***ing GREAT!!  

or check it here...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18xr55_beyonce-partition-official-video-hd-720p_music

What the heck?  Didn’t she have a baby?  Sooo, looked into what she went through to lose weight after the baby.  She WORKED…  

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2532980/Beyonce-reveals-65lb-weight-loss-post-pregnancy-inspiration-stripping-new-videos.html

Now, that (looking good) is not my full time job like it is hers, but darn it, I can make it my part time job.  I can work too!  She is proud of her body and her sexuality, and ,darnit, so am I.  I have my on and off days, but hey, don’t we all. 

Then it occurs to me that hey, Bey probably does as well.  She has a video with her little one, and she looks just as loving and mommy-y as me.  

And she still rocks the sultry vixen and the strong woman and loving wife too.  I am thankful that I don’t have to do all of that on camera and for the rest of the world and for my living, but Hey, I can rock all of that too!!

So, yeah, I am workin’ on some thangs:

My Look

My Sexy

My Mommy-dom

My Love

My Well Being

My Hair

My Fitness

My Home

My HAPPY!

WOOHOO!  Excited about 2014!  (Maybe it’s the drugs…)